(Note: This blog post is written with a more relaxed tone than my usual pieces. If you wish to share it, kindly obtain written permission from the author beforehand.)
A dream, and it’s chase
Is there something you always wanted, something you wanted so badly, that you would devote your entire life to? Ever since I entered college, I knew that I want to gtfo of there: there was a lack of ambition within the college, many people there was there to just get a degree. people in lecture were distracted, trying just enough to barely scrape by.
In an environment like this, I felt isolated. There was a mismatch between the university culture and myself. So I decided to grind my ass off, and set a dream to transfer out of the college. That is the one singular thing I wanted.
For a year, I have chased this dream, and gave myself the best foundation I can to transfer. I’ve taken the hardest coursework and became top 5% in almost all courses. I’ve prohibited myself from getting a girlfriend (which I slightly regretted afterwards). Nor did I make enough effort to explore the little town tied to the university.
There was many times where I dipped my university to go to San Francisco, or Stanford, where I attempt to insert myself in a community I believed with further my growth. Many of these experiences were awesome. I’ve attended AI expos, and met diverse people all around the world, and grew within the revolution of natural language processing and large language models.
Success?
Through these connections, I’ve managed to secure a special status in my dream school: Massachusetts Institute of Technology. I am able to enroll in coursework there and consider myself as a “student”. Though there are some caveats: I won’t be able to get a diploma there just yet, and no financial aid for those courses. I knew nothing about Boston (other than a short visit I conducted to MIT a year ago). But, the allure of going to MIT has pulled me there.
Now, I am here, in Boston. On the MIT campus, in the lecture halls, meeting new people. To many, that is a 100% success. But, I want to share the first week here at MIT and give you some new perspectives on this slice of life. Sometimes when you think you’ve got life all figure out, you became entangled in a web of confusion and rediscover how large the world is. That is the feeling of chasing your dreams I guess.
Transition from the top to the average
Back when I was in my old university. I strived to be the best I can. I was the guy who set curves on exams, and was known to take the hardest courses. I tried to bypass prerequisites requirements just so that I can take more upper divisions. I was considered to be one of the top students in the universities.
I was almost addicted to improvement and productivity.
Now that I’ve made my transition, I was bombarded with a whole group of new people. These people are really, really awesome, I probably met more people in this one week, than I’ve met in my old university in a whole quarter. One person is doing classified research in human augmentation and cyborgs. I won’t reveal much detail about this research, but he is undergoing surgery to attach a third tentacle arm next year. Another guy is researching how to temporarily paralyze muscles so that you can feel when you bump into a wall in VR or touch objects.
What I’ve realized is that I am no longer a shining beacon at the old university, but just another one person, perhaps a slightly defunct person. I felt like I didn’t try hard enough, nor did I deserve to me here. AKA the imposter syndrome. Although people try hard to be polite on the surface, sometimes there is this feeling of non acceptance if you are not at the top. This feeling lingers in you somewhat.
Meaning of life
If you chase something and one singular thing for a whole year, you’ve expect that thing to be quite important. But often times, once you reach that goal, you forget what is next. Just when you are close to figuring out the meaning of life, the world suddenly becomes a lot larger, less intuitive and confusing.
In school, we are taught one singular path to success: college, high paying job, profit. but as I navigate this unknown, murky world, people seems to echo otherwise: software engineers dipping their high salary jobs, rich people in regret. Money is indeed a useful tool to not get absolutely fked in society, but as long as you can earn enough to get what you need and indulge in yourself once in a while, that is already enough. but what is next? I’ve felt the closest to nothingness in the past 2 weeks. Perhaps it is because no one really cares at the end. You are just seen as another guy at the end of the day. Purpose gets lost after you reach what you believe to be the best thing ever.
The hidden side
Moving to a new city, all alone, is a difficult experience. Especially when you have no housing at all, or anyone to support you. You literally have a luggage, a bag with your phone and computer, that is about it. If you lose the digital connection, you are really “alone” and (somewhat) fked. For the first week, I slept in an office on the floor, or on the sofas. I didn’t really know how to get affordable food, so I mainly survived off vending machine food. This lifestyle wasn’t healthy. I felt constantly fatigued, and didn’t have enough energy to participate in activities.
I thought by leaving my old college, and leaving things behind to pursue a new life will be the perfect dream. But my world was too narrow. After being overwhelmed by all the cool shit out there. I’ve throughly disoriented myself. There are way too much interesting sh*t out there. How do you know what to do, and what to participate in? You find yourself spreading too thin, and somewhat confused. Here, it’s really a blast with a firehose a week.
Acceptance
Despite all this sh*t, I do recognize that this is ultimately the path I wanted to take. I have already comMITted to stay in Boston, and continue on a new journey. I think the first and second week is always the hardest. Afterwards, things def get better. I’ve already met 20+ really awesome people and made a few friends. I’ve learn way more in this one week than half a quarter in my old college.
Being accepted in the community takes time, as long as I am willing to recognize that, and work towards that goal. I firmly believe that eventually, I will find a place here. When I look back, I look back a long, long time ago. To my friends in elementary school, friends in high school, and friends I’ve met in college. It really has been a long way ahaha. I sometimes think about what they will think?
My elementary school friend will probably be happy that I am chasing what I’ve always want. My high school friends will congratulate me for being bold. My college friends will watch my journey onwards
To all that has supported me to this point, I would like to say a warm thank you! No success is made without suffering.
Also, I hope this authentic perspective does not sway you from reaching your goal. It is merely things you should expect in the everydays.